Fear of the dark

It’s a starless night. It doesn’t matter. The windows are shut and the blinds are drawn.
I’ve locked the world out and yet they bother me.
I lie in bed reading, hoping to fall asleep. These things don’t come easy anymore.
It’s cold, but I can’t do without the fan clamoring in the background.
It blocks every other noise out. It’s a familiar calming sound, almost like a lullaby.
Weighed down by a room full of emptiness, loneliness closes in on me.
I shut my eyes. It’s really dark in here.
Artlessly, demons of the past descend upon me whispering, “Our time has come”.
They seep into the depth of my soul. They know their way around.
Had somebody pledged my soul a long time ago?
“Did you really think I’d go away without knowing every part of you?” they sneer.
I cry in my sleep. Can you hear me?
My helpless hands grope for you, only to find vacant spaces.
I want to wake up but I’m trapped in my own dreams.
They’ve take over my mind. I’m a captive in this vicious cycle.
I feel violated but I know there can’t be another way out.
There will probably be another day. Dawn is only a few hours away.
There is no trace of struggle. Tears are traitors. They only scar in places you can never see.
At the break of dawn,the relief of sunshine brings inspiration.
Inspiration to face up to a new day and put up that façade again.
There is only one way this will end.
Someday we will say goodbye to each other. ---------------------------------------------- Dedicated in loving memory of Rach,Sheen and Seem. You may have left us too soon but you forever live in our memories.

August-The Month That Wasn’t

Well, I’m back! Blogging has been at a low end for the most part but this time I’m back with new vengeance. There’s enough space to clear my head, recount a story, exaggerate one and sometimes even make one up. (Sometimes it’s sooo worth not letting the truth come in the way of a good story!). Why would I not write?! The possibility of sharing a random rambling yet with no one in particular, not having to worry about sounding redundant or obsessing incessantly over trivialities...all of this is truly liberating. You could stop listening to me right here and I wouldn’t be hurt. Even better, I wouldn’t even know :D
So, write I will.
I was so caught up with August that I forgot to tell you that it was fantastic. September kept me drowning in grief and wallowing in self pity. Now that October is here, I’ve decided to make a fresh start at writing. Nevertheless, I cannot move ahead without telling you how special August really was! It kept me happy, busy and saw me getting a year older sprinkled with surprises and a lot of mollycoddling. I’m grateful for another year and all the amazing people in my life.
I dread birthday’s as much as I love them. Since I turned 20, it’s almost been like a deadly disease my parents have been living with for years now, having an unmarried daughter.
Somehow, it’s never really affected my parents as much as it has affected the world. Enough reason for me to believe I easily could be the daughter of the nation.
So when this national fever really builds up year after year my mother gets affected too, she is the biological mother after all. She habitually dresses me up like a temple elephant and parades me to every distant great grandfather’s maternal uncle’s son’s wedding.
I’ve obliged and been through this circus routine few times a year.
Trust me more than getting me married, my mother was hugely satisfied as long she got back home and got a few enquiry calls. It almost made her feel like a business magnet sitting on phone and investigating prospects.
I love digressing, anyways coming back to birthdays, like every birthday there was the whole surprise thingy. And somehow in the midst of all that banter I always forgot to get depressed about my age. Isn’t that simply the best part!
So this year I decided to give myself a gift too. I cleaned up my life, literally.
To me, there has been always been something therapeutic about cleaning. As outrageous as it may sound, cleaning out my closet sometimes makes for a favorite late night activity .This year; I did a lot more than my annual spring cleaning.
I got rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or sentimental. Trust me it takes a lot of determination when you’re emotionally attached to even safety pins.
Level one: So out went old clothes, shoes and memories not worth glorifying in a scrapbook.
Level Two: Heavier stuff. I decided to let go of people that didn’t matter anymore. It’s a controversial topic and sadly contemplative too.
So that’s that.
My friends took me on a surprise holiday to my favorite place in the whole wide world-Hampi! I claim to have been born there in all my previous lives. (Well, that’s another story to look out for!). I got back to Bangalore, all way worn and overwhelmed only to find myself in the middle of my surprise birthday party and all those birthday gifts. Well, wasn’t it Madonna who sang Material girl? :)
All in all- It was truly a happy birthday for me!